


Empty Gold

by 5kenx5



Category: Fifth Harmony (Band)
Genre: Angst, Camila is so oblivious, Completed, Dinah is such an ass, F/F, First Dance, First Time for Everything Fest, Firsts, Happy Ending, Lauren is so whipped, Romantic Fluff, first kiss(es)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-08
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2018-12-12 19:18:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11743464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/5kenx5/pseuds/5kenx5
Summary: Before Lauren met Camila, the word practice was simplePractice meant singing to her reflection in the mirror. It meant waking up early on Saturday mornings and taking swings in the batting cages, meant tossing a ball around with her friends. It meant dancing in her room until her hips moved the right way. It meant open textbooks on her bed and stacks of math homework.But then she met Camila, and practice somehow came to mean bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks and her chest cracking open down the center until her heart spilled out like a wilted rose left in the sun to rot.**Or 4 times Lauren helped Camila practice for her 'firsts' in life and 1 time it wasn't just for practice.





	1. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly I just cranked this out in like 30 mins because I couldn't sleep so I hope it's not too terrible. There's going to be four more chapters. Hope you guys find this mildly entertaining! 
> 
> And if you haven't already, give my other fic 'Gold Dust Woman' a read if you get the chance. (Clearly I'm obsessed with naming things both after songs and gold lol oops).
> 
> Thanks for your time everybody. Hope I'm not letting you down here.

Before Lauren met Camila, the word _practice_ was simple.

 _Practice_ meant singing to her reflection in the mirror. It meant waking up early on Saturday mornings and taking swings in the batting cages, meant tossing a ball around with her friends. It meant dancing in her room until her hips moved the right way. It meant open textbooks on her bed and stacks of math homework.

But then she met Camila, and _practice_ somehow came to mean bloodshot eyes and tear stained cheeks and her chest cracking open down the center until her heart spilled out like a wilted rose left in the sun to rot.

The first time it happened, she was sixteen. She was sitting on her bed, her pajamas bunched up around her knees while her wet hair dripped onto her phone screen, and Lana Del Rey’s voice faded into her left ear when she felt one of her ear buds fall from its place. She looked up to find a pair of brown eyes looking at her expectantly, and she saw Camila’s mouth moving, felt her breath on her cheek, but all she could hear was a silky ‘ _it’s you it’s you, it’s all for you’_ echo into her ears and she felt herself nodding along in agreement to whatever it was that Camila had said. She still hadn’t torn her eyes away from the younger girl’s – she couldn’t, not with those wide pupils peering into her like her soul was flittering right behind her eye sockets. Then again, whenever Camila looked at her, it probably was.

Camila laced their hands together, lifting Lauren from her spot on the bed. The other ear bud fell from her ear as she stood, but ‘ _heaven is a place on earth with you’_ still beat against her ear drum and resonated into her fingertips, still laced with the other girls, as she stood up and followed her to the center of the hotel room.

“Do we need music?” Camila asked, tucking her hair behind her ears nervously. It had fallen flat, all the hairspray and sweat from the day weighing it down. She hadn’t showered yet, Lauren noticed. She’d been pacing the room since they got back, she even heard Camila's heavy footsteps while the scalding water beat against her skin during her own shower. Camila had just taken off her dress and thrown on one of Lauren’s band shirts and a pair of fuzzy socks. Her eye makeup was smudged and her lips had faded to their natural pink and Lauren had to look away for a moment because her heart felt like glass behind her ribs and she swore it would’ve shattered if she looked any longer.

“Music?” Lauren questioned, still unsure of what it was she had agreed to.

“I don’t know, Lo. You tell me. You’re the one that’s supposed to be helping me,” Camlia pouted, and Lauren’s cheeks flushed at the sight of the other girl's bottom lip falling out of her mouth. She turned back towards her bed for her phone just to keep Camila from seeing the way her cheeks burned.

“What song?”

“I don’t know. What kind of songs do they play at school dances?”

“What?”

“Lauren,” Camila groaned, but she had a smirk playing at the edges of her lips, “you have no idea what’s going on right now, do you?”

“Guilty,” Lauren sighed, shaking her head.

“Why do you always say yes when you don’t know what I ask?” Camila laughed, and Lauren hated that it happened enough for Camila – Captain _oblivious –_ to catch on, but she couldn’t help it.

“I can’t say no to you,” she admitted, and she hoped the playful tone of her voice was enough to keep Camila from seeing how much she meant it.

“You’re cute,” Camila giggled, ducking her head and Lauren wanted more than anything to believe the blush crawling up to her cheekbones was real, wanted to believe she made Camila’s skin do _that_ , but she couldn’t let herself.

Hope was a dangerous thing.

“So what is it we’re doing then?” Lauren asked. Camila tucked her hair behind her ears again, something she did when she was nervous, and Lauren felt her eyebrows furrow together. _What could Camila be nervous about asking her?_

“I asked if you would show me how to, you know…dance.”

“Camila, we just spent the last two hours dancing. You know how to dance.” She pointed out, and okay, she knew Camila wasn't exactly the most coordinated person in the world - she remembered the 3 person team it took to get her to move her hips the first time they performed - but Lauren was at a point in her life where Camila could've done the sprinkler in the middle of the club and she still would've thought it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen. 

“I know how to do choreographed dances. Badly. That’s it.”

“What kind of dancing do you –“ Lauren stopped herself when it clicked. Camila had asked about music at school dances. It was Spring. _Prom._

Lauren physically took a step back, hoping to distance herself from the feeling that had slid into her gut and threatened to come back up, dragging her dinner along with it.

“One of my friends from back in school asked me to go to prom with him, and he said it’s just as friends because their group is uneven, but what if he asks me to dance anyway? I’d probably fall or step all over his feet and just embarrass everybody.”

Lauren wanted to say good, wanted to say don’t go, wanted to tell her to dance as bad as she could so he’d never ask her again, but the way Camila’s voice deflated and her eyes fell made her more nauseous than the thought of whatever high school _friend_ with his hands on her waist, so she willed her voice to keep from trembling and spoke up.

“It’s easy, Camz, I promise. C’mon, follow my lead.” Lauren waved her over, and Camila bounced towards her shyly.

“No music?”

“We don’t need music,” Lauren said.

 _I always hear music when I’m with you,_ she thought.

“Put your arms around my neck, okay?” She prompted, trying to subtly wipe her palms on her pajama pants before resting her fingers on the curves of Camila’s hip bones. She hoped the younger girl couldn’t hear the way her heart was thrashing in her chest. It wouldn’t have surprised her if it broke through her rib cage and climbed right into Camila’s palm; she already held Lauren’s heart in her hands anyway, it would just be taking its rightful place.

Camila hesitantly snaked her arms around Lauren’s neck, wet hair tickling her forearms. Lauren pulled her closer by her hips and began to sway.

“Watch my feet,” Lauren instructed, her voice husking out in a whisper. She cleared her throat as she began to move her feet around Camila’s. Camila tried to mirror her, but it was only a few moments before Lauren felt something fuzzy push onto her big toe.

“ _Dammit,”_ Camila moaned, jerking her arms away and covering her face.

“Hey,” Lauren started, grabbing Camila’s hands, “it happens. That’s why we’re practicing, right?”

Lauren hated the way it sounded: _practice._ It didn’t fit around her tongue, it clashed against her teeth, it left a sick aftertaste in her throat. They weren’t _practicing._ They were _dancing._ They were dancing to no music in their pajamas under the dim light of a hotel room and it was the best night of Lauren’s life.

It was the best night of her life until Camila nodded and stood on her toes to press a soft kiss to Lauren’s cheek and then said, “thanks for practicing with me, Lo.”

Lauren decided she didn’t like the word practice anymore.

But even though the ghost of the kiss on her cheek sank through her skin and wrapped around her brain like shackles rattling inside her skull, she still took Camila’s hands and pulled her close again.

“He's going to be so lucky to dance with you,” Lauren told her, tightening her grip around her hip bones. She’d never be used to how perfect her hands fit, like they were built to rest there.

Camila hid her face in Lauren's shoulder, the way she always did when Lauren complimented her. She felt it in her bones like an earthquake whenever Camila shied away from any kind of praise; she'd give anything for Camila to look in the mirror and see herself the way Lauren did. 

"I mean it, Camz. You're gonna be the best dancer there." 

“Not likely,” Camila scoffed, but she smiled into Lauren's shoulder anyway. She felt the smile through her t-shirt like it was burning into her skin.

“Just use your hips, and don’t think so much,” Lauren told her. “Just feel the music and move your body with mine.”

“But there is no music,” Camila frowned, moving in time with Lauren as best as she could.

"Sure there is," Lauren started, smiling warmly at the smaller girl in her arms, "you're just not listening hard enough." 

 _"We're goin' down, and you can see it too. We're goin' down, and you know that we're doomed, my dear,"_ Lauren sang in a whisper as she twirled Camila around, and she couldn't help but think the laugh that spilled from her lips was a better song than the one she was singing.

 _"We're slow dancing,"_ she continued, pulling Camila back into her, _"in a burnin' room."_

She finished the verse with her lips against Camila's ear and pretended not to notice the way the younger girl shuddered against her breath. 

"That was beautiful," Camila commented, watching Lauren's feet intently as she tried to avoid stepping on them again. Lauren was grateful at the lack of eye contact when she finally responded. 

"So are you." She was so quiet, she didn't know if Camila even heard her. 

They didn't talk anymore for a while, they just swayed as Lauren hummed the rhythm of the song into the silence until Camila felt confident enough to do it on her own. 

"You feel like you have it down?" Lauren asked her when Camila finally pulled away with a yawn. 

"I think so. I just hope he's as good of a dancer as you are," she joked. 

"I wouldn't count on it," Lauren laughed in response as she climbed back into her bed and put her ear buds back in her ears. 

She turned the volume up on her phone, hoping the Lana lyrics would drown out the sound of Camila's voice saying _practice_. 

It didnt, and Lauren fell asleep that night biting into her pillow to keep her gentle sobs from waking up the sleeping girl in the other bed. 

***

 


	2. Perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been having killer writer's block, but I won't forget about this story or Gold Dust Woman (which if you haven't read, please consider checking it out). 
> 
> I know 'Perfect' came out a lot more recently than this supposedly took place, but this is barely canon anyway so it's whatever. I like the song so I'm using it. Let me know what you guys think of this lil story I got going on here. I'm like tinkerbell, I need your comments/kudos to survive. 
> 
> Joking, it's a blessing just to have a single person read something that I have to say. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy this!

It happened again, in another hotel in another city in another season, but it still hurt just as much.

It started like this:

A loud buzzing from beside the hotel bed dragged Lauren out of her dreamless slumber. She groaned, slapping the back of her palm over her eyes as she reached for the object that had interrupted her first night of good sleep in weeks. She hadn’t even meant to check the message, but she caught sight of the name that flashed across the screen in her attempt to silence the phone, and she didn’t hesitate to open it.

 ** _Camz_** ♡ ** _| 2:17am:_** _Are you up?_

**_Lern Jergi | 2:18am:_ ** _Ues_

**_Lern Jergi | 2:18am:_ ** _*Yes_

She kept the thread open, waiting for the notification that Camila had read her message, but the clock changed more times than Lauren was comfortable with before knowing if the other girl was okay, so she typed out another message.

**_Lern Jergi | 2:23am:_ ** _Is everything okay? Talk to me._

**_Camz_** ♡ **_| 2:25am_** : _Nevermind, Lo. Go back to sleep. I’m sorry for waking you up_

**_Lern Jergi | 2:25am:_ ** _I’m not going back to sleep until you talk to me. You know I won’t be able to. Just tell me what’s wrong…_

**_Lern Jergi | 2:29am:_ ** _I know you texted me hoping that I’d be asleep so you didn’t actually have to talk to me. I know you’re embarrassed, because you think you’re being overemotional and your feelings are stupid, but they aren’t stupid, okay? Not to me. You feel everything. You feel so much. But that’s not a bad thing. It’s one of my favorite things about you._

**_Lern Jergi | 2:31am:_ ** _I just wish you would tell me what’s wrong because I want to fix it. Or just listen, if that’s what you need. Or if you can’t talk about it and need me to just hug you and tell you that everything is going to be okay, I can do that too._

**_Lern Jergi | 2:33am:_ ** _I know you’re reading all of these messages right now. I know you’re sitting on the bathroom counter because you always lock yourself in the bathroom when you’re sad, I know you’ve got the lights off and you’re trying to hide away from everything but you’re reading all the messages I’m sending you and wishing I had never woken up so you could keep being alone even though I know you hate it. I know you Camz. I know you aren’t okay right now._

**_Camz_** ♡ _|_ ** _2:37am:_** _It scares me so much sometimes_

 ** _Camz_** _♡_ _|_ **_2:37am_** _: How well you know me_

 ** _Camz_** ♡ **_| 2:37am_** _: It’s like, I can’t hide. I can put a mask on and be whoever I want to be for the whole world. For the other girls. Sometimes, I’m so good at it, I can even trick myself. But you’re four doors down from me and it’s the middle of the night and we haven’t spoken all night and you still just…know_

 ** _Camz_** ♡ ** _|2:40am:_** _You terrify me, Lauren_

**_Lern Jergi | 2:41am:_ ** _Come talk to me. Please. I unlocked the door to my room. Just come over here, okay? I’m worried about you right now. I’m not going to be able to go back to sleep until I see that you’re okay._

**_Camz_ ** **♡ _| 2:42am_** _: Lauren oh my god I’m fine just go lock your door omg that isn’t safe_

**_Lern Jergi | 2:42am:_ ** _Guess you better come lock it for me then._

It was only a few minutes later that Lauren heard the door to her room creak open, followed by the punctuated sound of the lock clicking over.

“Lo?” Camila whispered. Lauren could see her silhouette stumbling through the darkness, eyes not yet adjusted to how dim it was inside the room after walking down the well-lit hallway.

“Right over here,” Lauren rasped out through a yawn, using the light on her phone to guide Camila towards her bed. The younger girl scrambled up the sheets until they were sitting face to face with their knees touching.

“You knew I would come.”

“Because I know _you_.”

Lauren thought she saw a faint tinge of pink dust over Camila’s cheeks, but it was dark and she knew she’d imagined it.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Lauren started, her voice softer than usual. That was something she did often – and something she never even noticed until Dinah, being _Dinah,_ had to point it out. Lauren couldn’t even ask Camila what flavor of ice cream she wanted anymore without acknowledging just how _gentle_ her voice was.

“It’s dumb,” Camila huffed, fiddling with the edges of her shirt and letting her head hang down. Lauren leaned forward, tilting her chin back up.

“Betcha it’s not,” she countered, eliciting a small smile from the brown-eyed girl.

“I just wish I could be stronger than this.”

“You don’t have to be strong all the time. That doesn’t make you weak,” Lauren offered, doing her best to comfort the girl without really understanding the context of the conversation.

“Easy for you to say,” Camila mumbled, “they love you.”

_So it’s the internet trolls. Again._

“Come here,” Lauren sighed, tugging the younger girl closer to her. The room was dark, but she could make out every contour of Camila’s face, could see her eyes breaking through the darkness. They were warm, they reminded Lauren of the hot chocolate her mother used to make her on Saturday mornings – it reminded her of home. It broke her heart to see the way the other girl’s eyes sank in, the pools of tears brimming against her waterlines.

“You have to ignore them, Camz. You can’t keep letting them get to you like this.”

“I just don’t understand it, Lo. Why do they hate me so much? What’s wrong with me?”            

Her voice cracked at that, the tears she’d been holding in finally escaping from the corners of her eyes. She turned her head away, letting her hair fall over her face. She brought her hands up to her cheeks to wipe away the streaks of tears.

“There is _nothing_ wrong with you, okay? They’re just being bullies, you can’t listen to them,” Lauren said, replacing Camila’s hands with her own, wiping her tears away.

“It’s just getting so hard to ignore them,” she sighed, shaking her head.

“Do you trust me?”

“You know I do.”

“Then why don’t you believe me when I tell you how amazing you are? Why do you believe them more than you believe me? You know I would never lie to you.”

Lauren knew she was playing with fire here, knew she should’ve stopped with that. But the idea of Camila looking into the mirror and seeing anything less than perfect scared her more than accidentally saying more than she should.

“So believe me when I tell you that you’re beautiful. Believe me when I tell you how special your mind is, how amazing your heart is. Believe me when I tell you that I thank God every single night for letting me be in your life, because you’re the best person I’ve ever known, Camz. I wish you could see how special you are.”

“I love you, Lo. I’m so glad we’re friends. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Me too.” It was Lauren’s turn to fight back tears. She never thought the word _friends_ could hurt so bad.

“Can I sleep in here tonight?”

“Nope, you aren’t allowed,” Lauren replied sarcastically, rolling her eyes as she pulled the sheets down on the other side of the bed. They’d been through this enough times that Lauren shouldn’t have been surprised when Camila ignored the spot that had just been cleared on the bed for her and instead, snuggled right into the other girl’s side, burying her head into Lauren’s neck, but she still felt a surge of adrenaline at the sight of the tangled mane of brown hair sprawled across her chest like it was the first time Camila had ever touched her.

Every touch still felt like the first time.

They laid there in silence for a few moments before Camila finally spoke.

“Lauren, can I talk to you about something else?”

“You know you can talk to me about anything,” Lauren assured her, and she hoped Camila couldn’t feel the way her heartbeat sputtered.

“Do you remember your first kiss?”

“Yeah, I guess. Why?”

“Do you think it’s weird that I’m sixteen and still haven’t had my first kiss?”

“Honestly, Camz? I think you’re lucky,” Lauren admitted. She could see the question written on Camila’s face even through the darkness, so she answered.

“My first kiss was a disaster. I was 12, and he was my neighbor. We were sitting on my brick wall and he just kissed me. Out of nowhere. I kind of ignored that one, I said it was _his_ first kiss, not _mine._ Because I didn’t really do anything. He kissed me and I just kind of sat there. So when I was fourteen and got my first boyfriend, I decided that _he_ would be my first kiss. I kissed him in the middle of our first date, which was horrible by the way. He only had enough money for his own ticket, which would have been fine except he also ordered a bunch of snacks that I had to pay for and then didn't even share with me. _And then_  he called his mom to pick him up because it was raining, so I had to walk home by myself.”

“Oh my god, Lo,” Camila laughed, “that’s awful.”

“I know. It really was. I wish I would’ve waited for the right person instead of looking at it as something to get out of the way.”

“What if the right person never comes and I spend my whole life waiting?”

“I’m not saying to wait for your soul mate, Camz. I just don’t think you should waste something special on someone who doesn’t care about you. Wait for someone who loves you, someone you trust and makes you feel safe, someone you know you aren’t going to regret when you look back on it even if you guys aren’t together anymore.”

“I wouldn’t regret you.”

“What?” Lauren said, a little too loudly and a little quickly. Camila sat up on her elbows, so that she could get a view of Lauren’s face. Lauren hoped it was dark enough to hide the crimson tint of her pale cheeks.

“Think about it, Lo. You’re my best friend. I trust you and I feel safe with you. I know I wouldn’t regret it with you. That way if the next person I kiss doesn’t live up to my expectations, at least my first kiss is already out of the way. It wouldn't ruin anything”

“Camila, I don’t..I can’t do this for you,” Lauren managed to get out. Her voice was heavy, the words were forced. She could feel her blood rushing in her ears and it took everything in her not to jump up and _run_ out of the hotel room.

“Oh. It’s okay, Lo. I understand. It was stupid, I don’t know why I even suggested it. I’m just really tired,” Camila rambled. Lauren felt the younger girl’s body tense up and she sighed, hating herself for causing her discomfort.

“It’s not that, Camz. It’s okay. It’s just, like, I told you that it should be special. It wouldn’t be special with me. I don’t want to take that away from you.”

“You wouldn’t be taking it if I gave it to you.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Lauren sighed, praying with every bone in her body that Camila would say no, would say she changed her mind, even for her to laugh and say she was joking. Anything but the next words that came out of her mouth.

“I’m sure. I want to.”

Lauren hated how much she couldn’t say no to Camila.

“It’s late and you’re tired and I’ll never forgive myself if you regret this in the morning,” she warned, sitting up as Camila scooted off of her.

“Lauren,” Camila said, her voice steady and sure and all the things Lauren wished it wasn’t, “just shut up and kiss me.”

She was tentative, at first, giving the younger girl way too much time to change her mind. She moved close to her, letting her lips float in the air in front of Camila’s for a few moments. Camila’s eyes were pressed shut, but Lauren couldn’t bring herself to close her eyes yet. She was close, closer than she ever thought she would be to Camila’s face, and she wasn’t sure she’d ever be this close again. She studied her features, the little scar above her eyebrow, the shape of her cheekbones, the little dip in her chin; the way her eyelashes fluttered lightly as she fought against opening them, the way her lips were slightly chapped still inviting; how her nose was almost touching Lauren’s. She’d been staring way too long to be acceptable, she knew she was.

She raised her hand up to Camila's cheek, running her thumb softly across her cheek bone before taking a deep breath and closing her eyes. She captured Camila's top lip between her own and almost gasped at the spark of electricity that crackled in her heart and shot through her veins. She felt it between her toes, behind her ears, and it startled her so much, she practically jumped when she finally moved back. 

She couldn’t stop herself from reaching up and brushing her fingers over her own lips, trying to figure out if this was real or not. She didn’t even notice the way Camila was looking at her, all wide eyed with her lips still parted.

“Was that okay?” Lauren asked carefully, not sure which answer she preferred. As much as ‘no’ would hurt, ‘yes’ would be torture.

“It was perfect,” Camila whispered, almost in awe. “Thanks for doing that for me, Lo. I’m glad I have you to practice stuff like this with.” Her voice was sincere, and Lauren could tell she didn’t know how much her words hurt, but it still felt like a knife slashed through her lungs when Camila said _practice._

She forgot how much she hated that word.

“Anything for you,” Lauren responded, laying back down on her pillow. She didn’t mean for her voice to sound so broken. Camila didn’t notice though, still in shock over her first kiss apparently. She kept touching her lips, her eyebrows knitted together like she was trying to figure out something important.

Eventually, she laid back down next to Lauren, tucking her head into the crook of the older girl’s neck again.

 “Will you sing to me?”

“How come you never sing to me, huh?” Lauren replied playfully, keeping her eyes shut in a desperate attempt to ignore the feeling building in her stomach.

“Because I always fall asleep first,” Camila laughed.

“True, you do. Alright, what do you want me to sing?”

“I don’t know. Whatever you’ve got floating around in your head right now.”

“ _I found a love for me. Darling, just dive right in and follow my lead. Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet, oh, I never knew you were the someone waiting for me,”_ Lauren began after a few moments. Her voice was raspy and it cracked a few times, but she felt Camila smile into her neck when she recognized the song.

She always did love Ed Sheeran.

 _“’Cause we were just kids when we fell in love, not knowing what it was. I will not give you up this time, but darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own, and in your eyes, you're holding mine,”_ she continued, as Camila hummed lightly along. She felt the vibrations from the other girl’s throat reverberate all the way into her own chest. Her voice was strained at the chorus, and she hoped Camila didn’t notice how hard she was fighting her tears.

“ _Baby, I'm dancing in the dark with you between my arms, barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song. When you said you looked a mess, I whispered underneath my breath, but you heard it, darling, you look perfect tonight.”_ By the end of the chorus, Camila’s breathing had evened out and Lauren knew she’d fallen asleep, but she continued the song anyway.

“ _Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know. She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home. I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets, to carry love, to carry children of our own.”_

 _“We are still kids, but we're so in love, fighting against all odds. I know we'll be alright this time. Darling, just hold my hand, be my girl, I'll be your man. I see my future in your eyes.”_ Her voice was barely more than a whisper at this point, but she felt determined to finish the song. She knew was in too deep, but a part of her thought she was already in too deep the moment they met. She was hopeless from the start.

_“Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms, barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song. When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful. I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight.”_

_“Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms, barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song. I have faith in what I see, now I know I have met an angel in person and she looks perfect. I don't deserve this. You look perfect tonight,”_ she finished

 “You look perfect tonight,” she repeated, brushing the hair from Camila’s eyes. The girl only nuzzled further into Lauren’s chest and Lauren tried to close her eyes and relax but Camila’s body felt like fire on her skin and as good as it felt to know she had comforted her, it mostly just _hurt._

She couldn’t sleep, just laid there, watching Camila breathe until the sun peeked through the curtains in the morning.

Her lips never stopped aching as the word _practice_ branded itself under her tongue.


	3. Dark Paradise (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got so carried away on this chapter...oh my god I don't even know what happened. This is literally like 4x times longer than I originally planned for, so I'm sorry in advance. I hope the length doesn't deter you, because I'm really proud of this chapter. It's the first time I've really written the dynamic of all 5 girls together. I also broke this into 2 parts since it's so long. I'm on a roll here, I guess. 
> 
> Also, I know Lauren's like a walking cliche and this is like, so so so cheesy, but you know what, I think most seventeen year old's are pretty sappy the first time they fall in love so deal with it (kidding, but I hope Lauren's characterization doesn't sit wrong with anybody). 
> 
> Dinah is actually my favorite after writing her in this chapter. She's so much fun. I need to use her most often.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this! Please let me know what you think. 
> 
> Thanks for reading (:

**Part one:**

 

The next time it happened, it was Dinah’s fault.

They were all having breakfast. Lauren was far too interested in her pancakes, and Camila had been going on for at least ten minutes about how _Austin Mahone_ had _actually_ asked her on a date, like it was some kind of surprise.

_Like there was anyone who_ wouldn’t _want a date with the prettiest girl in the world,_ Lauren thought, as she chewed her pancakes with more force than necessary.

She did her best to ignore Camila’s excitement, shoveling her breakfast in her mouth at an alarming rate just to make sure she had a good excuse to keep from participating in the conversation, and it wasn’t until Camila’s revelation about never having been on a date and having no idea what to do or what to expect that Dinah stepped in and broke Lauren’s heart.

“Just have Lauser take you on a practice date. I’m sure she wouldn’t mind.”

So of course, Lauren’s head shot up at the sound of that, and she just stared at Dinah like a deer in headlights with her cheeks stuffed and syrup dripping out of the corner of her mouth.

“What,” Lauren deadpanned, the sound barely intelligible through the pancakes half-chewed between her teeth.

“Lauren Michelle Morgado Jauregui,” Ally started, dropping her fork onto the table, “what did I tell you about talking with food in your mouth while we’re in a restaurant?”

Lauren’s eyes shot to Normani’s incredulously as she finished chewing, silently begging her to save her from Dinah’s suggestion and Ally’s impromptu parenting, but Normani was too busy looking at Ally with wide eyes and her mouth in an ‘O’ at the small girl’s sudden outburst.

“It makes us all look bad,” Ally grumbled in defense, when she realized they were all staring at her.

“So what do you say, Ralph?” Dinah clapped her hands together, changing the topic back to her previous suggestion. She seemed awfully proud of herself.

“I say not gonna happen,” Lauren snapped back, but immediately regretting it when she saw Camila’s eyes fall.

“C’mon Lauser, it’s just –”

“It’s fine, Lo,” Camila interjected, cutting Dinah off. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“If it’s a big deal to you then it _is_ a big deal, Chancho,” Dinah argued. She kept her gaze trained on Lauren, eyes pointed like she was personally offended.

“It’s just, like, it wouldn’t be the same, you know? Part of what makes a date so exciting is that you don’t know what to expect,” Lauren tried to cover herself, but she meant what she said (mostly).

“Except that if you were listening, at all, _Lauren,_ you would’ve heard the part where Austin told her to plan everything. Boys this generation are so lazy, I swear,” Dinah replied, shaking her head.

“So why don’t _you_ help her plan something for them to do? You’d be much better at it than I would be,” Lauren countered, not missing the way her and Dinah were bickering about a practice date for _somebody else_ over breakfast while their friends just stared at them in disbelief. Sometimes she hated the effect Camila had on her.

“Because I have plans with Mani today,” Dinah shrugged.

“You do?” Normani cut in.

“Yes, I do,” Dinah answered too sharply.

“Wait, you want me to do this _today?_ That gives me, like, _no time_ to plan anything!”

“Well, _Lauren,”_ Dinah replied, once again spitting out Lauren’s name like a curse word, _“_ since apparently your pancakes were much more important to you than your best friend’s needs, I’ll say it again. Her date with Austin is tomorrow night. It’s now or never,” Dinah told her, stealing the last piece of bacon from Lauren’s plate. Sometimes she really wanted to strangle that girl.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Lo. I’m sure I’ll figure something out. We could probably just go to the movies or something. It’s not a big deal,” Camila sighed, her brown eyes dropping and Lauren knew right away that she wouldn’t be able to stop the words that came out of her mouth next.

“I’ll do it.”

“What?” Camila, Dinah, Normani, and Ally all said at the same time. Lauren was tempted to make a comment at the fact that Ally had just taken a bite of her omelet when she spoke, but she decided it wasn’t the time.

“Yeah. I don’t really have plans today so why not,” Lauren shrugged, hoping the other girls bought into her casual attitude. Dinah, of course, didn’t; she was grinning proudly in the corner like she just did something important instead of shoving a dagger into Lauren’s back and straight through her heart. She knew she had good intentions, but she hated that the girl got involved in something she didn’t really know about.

“Are you sure?” Camila asked, carefully, and the sound of her voice blocked out the rest of the world as far as Lauren was concerned.

“I’m sure. I want to,” Lauren replied, a little smirk tugging at her lips. Camila’s cheeks blushed, obviously remembering when she’d said the same thing to Lauren right before they kissed.

“So what are we going to do, then?”

“That’s your job,” Lauren shrugged again. “You’re supposed to plan everything, right? So show me what you would plan for Austin and I’ll help you make sure it’s perfect.” Lauren had never been more proud of herself than she was in that moment. Her voice didn’t crack, her cheeks didn’t burn, and she somehow managed to sound convincing enough that even Dinah didn’t look up from her food to make a joke.

Of course Lauren hated the idea of Camila going out with Austin, but Camila was her best friend and Lauren knew she had to put her feelings aside sometimes. If she couldn’t have Camila – and she knew she never could, never _would_ – she still wanted the girl to be happy. Even if it was with somebody else.

It didn’t help that she couldn’t seem to remember the word _no_ anytime Camila asked her a question.

***

She’d just gotten out of the shower when her phone lit up with a message from Dinah.

**_Dinah Jane | 5:14pm:_ ** _Issa sneak peek (;_

Attached to the message was a picture of Camila, and it made Lauren’s chest cave in so far she thought she was suffocating from the pressure on her lungs. It was through the half-opened bathroom door, Dinah clearly taking it from her place on Camila’s bed while Camila leaned over her sink and into her bathroom mirror. She was wearing a black and white skirt, paired with a red shirt that showed just a small sliver of skin on her torso. Her hair was tossed casually to one side and from the angle of the picture, Lauren could tell she was in the middle of attaching a black bow just above her shoulder. The picture was grainy (Dinah had obviously zoomed in) but it still took Lauren’s breath away; Camila looked absolutely stunning and it reminded Lauren of all the reasons she couldn’t do it.

She felt so _wrong_.

She felt like even showing up at Camila’s house would be a lie – and she did promise the girl she’d never lie to her, after all.

**_Ralph | 5:14pm_ : ** _I can’t do it. I’m sorry, DJ. Tell her I’m sorry._

**_Dinah Jane | 5:16pm:_ ** _Lauren she’s so excited you can’t do this to her…_

**_Dinah Jane | 5:17pm:_ ** _She’s been getting ready all day. She’s changed her outfit like seven times and she actually YELLED at me when I smeared her eyeliner. Made me redo the whole damn eye because it “had to be perfect.” You can’t just cancel last minute on this…_

**_Ralph |5:17pm:_ ** _She’ll get over it. It’s not like it’s real anyway._

**_Dinah Jane | 5:18pm:_ ** _I see the way you look at her Lauren_

**_Ralph | 5:18pm:_ ** _You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about Dinah._

**_Dinah Jane | 5:19pm:_ ** _What you don’t see is the way she looks at you. She practically worships the ground you walk on. She just doesn’t realize what that means yet. Be patient with her. Give her this night. You’re going to regret hurting her. I know you._

**_Ralph | 5:20pm:_ ** _You need to learn how to mind your own fucking business…And you don't know me as well as you think like you’re being so delusional lmao I don’t even know what you’re trying to say right now._

**_Dinah Jane | 5:20pm:_ ** _Lol okay Lauren whatever you say._

**_Dinah Jane | 5:20pm:_ ** _And if you really want to cancel on her, tell her yourself. I’m not gonna hurt her for you just because you don’t have the balls the own up to your feelings._

**_Ralph | 5:21pm:_ ** _Wow you sure picked a hell of a time to stay out of my business._

**_Dinah Jane | 5:22pm:_ ** _Be pissed at me all you want but don’t hurt the girl who thinks you hang the stars just because you can’t admit that you’re afraid of the dark._

**_Ralph | 5:25pm:_ ** _Fuck you Dinah._

**_Ralph | 5:25pm:_ ** _You don’t know shit._

Lauren knew, even as she typed out the message, that she didn’t have the heart to cancel on Camila. She’d wipe her tears and put on a smile and make the night as memorable as she could before she cried herself to sleep. She hated herself for it, but she knew how it would happen.

It would happen the same way it always did.

The idea of hurting Camila was a lot more painful than hurting herself.

**_Dinah Jane | 5:26pm:_** _Being mad at me won’t make you love her any less tho ¯_ \\_(ツ)_/¯

And that’s when the realization really sunk in.

_I love her._ The thought ran on a loop through Lauren’s mind and she didn’t seem to be able to escape it. Some part of her always knew, she thought, but somebody else knowing made it more real than she was ready for. She heard a knock on the bathroom door – Tay, probably – but she was too focused on her increasingly irregular breathing to really form a response.

Her stomach folded in on itself and she thought her bones were crumbing to dust under the weight of the guilt nesting between her shoulder blades, like angel wings were ripped from her skin and the only things left were gaping wounds to remind her of how _wrong_ it was – she couldn’t pretend she was an angel anymore, couldn’t fly away from her feelings.

It was selfish, it was wrong, and for the first time in her life, she ran her fingers over the blue veins mapping her forearms and wondered what kind of poison she had coursing through her that made her like this – wondered what it would look like as it spilled into the sink

“Lauren, hurry up,” the youngest Jauregui whined through the door, pulling Lauren out of her thoughts. She swung the door open, nearly smacking her sister in the face with it as she stormed back to her bedroom to get ready. She turned the music up loud enough to piss off her neighbors, and focused on the thump of the bass in the room like it was her own heartbeat.

It didn’t distract her as much as she hoped it would.  

She settled on simple – a pair of ripped black skinny jeans, a gray crop top, and her favorite black bomber jacket. Her eye makeup was dark, darker than she usually wore it off stage, and she hoped it was dark enough to hide the circles under her eyes, dark enough to hide her swollen lids and draw attention away from the red speckled around her emerald irises.

The last thing she needed was for Camila to know she’d been crying.

She pulled up to Camila’s house later that night with five minutes to spare, and she thought about just texting the girl that she was there, but Lauren decided if it was a date, practice or not, she was doing it right. Whether Camila wanted to count it wasn’t Lauren’s decision to make, but she knew she wanted to give her the best first date she could. She tried to tell herself if it was something any good friend would do – to make the memory special – but she knew, deep down, it was a twisted attempt to make sure Camila knew she’d never find better than the girl already waiting on her porch.   

Most of Lauren's standard attitude went out the window when it came to Camila, but some things just never changed.

She only knocked twice, her courage draining faster than she would’ve liked, but only a moment later Sinu was at the door, smiling at Lauren like she had no idea the teenager on the other side of the door frame dreamed about her daughter in all the ways she shouldn’t.

She felt guilty; she couldn’t meet Sinu’s eyes. Every glance felt like a lie and it made her sick.

It was worth it though, when Lauren caught sight of Camila on the top of the stairs.

She grinned when she saw Lauren, and Lauren knew she was staring, her brain was screaming at her to look away before Sinu noticed how the girl’s eyes _sparkled_ at the sight, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away.

Even as Camila bounded down the stairs towards her, Lauren’s eyes were wide and her mouth was open and she felt roses blossom against her cheeks but she couldn’t look away.

She looked beautiful, she always looked beautiful, even at two in the morning when she fell asleep on the couch with strands of hair stuck in her mouth, but this was _different._ Her whole world was skipping over to her with a shy smile on her face and Lauren really couldn’t have stopped the whisper of “wow” that tumbled through her parted lips if she tried.

“Hi, Lo,” Camila giggled nervously.

“Hey, Camz,” Lauren smiled back, hoping her voice was as calming as she intended it to be. She felt Sinu’s eyes on her and it burned, felt like lasers shooting through her skin and boiling the acid in her stomach until she felt like she would vomit right there on the carpet. 

“You girls have fun,” Sinu spoke, a knowing tone in her voice and the _guilt_ just ate through Lauren’s bones, bit right through the marrow, until she felt the lies burning in her throat.

She didn’t trust herself to open her mouth without a confession spilling out, so she settled for a smile that came out like a grimace and sped out the door before she broke down, Camila trailing behind her and shouting her goodbye to her mother over her shoulder.

“You look nice,” Camila said when they finally made it down the driveway and into Lauren’s car. Lauren felt her cheeks blush. She hated the effect the other girl had on her, but nothing else made her heart race the way Camila did. Not even the fans screaming her name when she sang on a stage, living out her dream.

Nothing compared to Camila.

“And you;re as beautiful as ever,” Lauren replied without hesitation, shifting her car into reverse.

“Stop being cute,” Camila laughed, pulling out her phone and opening the GPS, “it’s not fair.”

“Can't help it when I'm with you," Lauren teased. "So where are we headed?”

 “Get on the freeway.”

“You’re not going to tell me what we’re doing, are you?” Lauren chuckled, glancing over her shoulder before changing lanes.

“You’ll see when we get there,” Camila joked, but her voice was unsure. Lauren reached over, hesitantly placing her hand over Camila’s exposed thigh. She didn’t miss the way the girl shivered under her touch, but chalked it up to her hands being cold.

Even if they felt like they were burning.

“Whatever it is, I’m sure we’re going to have a lot of fun, okay?”

“I’m not really nervous about doing this with you, if I’m being honest, Lo. I know you. I know what you like. And besides, we always have fun, no matter what we do. But I don’t know Austin like that. That’s why I need you to be really honest with me, okay? It’s kind of a waste of a practice date if you just tell me this is fine because you don’t want to hurt my feelings.”

“I promise, Camz, I’m never gonna lie to you,” Lauren assured her, biting her tongue until she tasted blood. She was lying just by being there, and she was sure Camila would hate her for it if she knew. She tried to ignore how Camila was still thinking about Austin even as she played with Lauren’s fingers on her upper thigh. Lauren couldn’t think about that right now. She had to stay focused.

 She was going to give this girl the best date of her life and maybe it was only for practice, but that had to be enough.

Lauren didn’t think she’d be able to live with herself if she admitted that it wasn’t.

That _practice_ would never be enough for her. 


	4. Dark Paradise (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's part 2. 
> 
> Let me know how you're feelin' it. 
> 
> And as always, thanks for reading.

**Part Two:**

 

Lauren’s hands were shaking on the drive back. Camila was quiet, and Lauren knew what she was thinking, knew she was itching to ask Lauren if it was okay and if she thought Austin would think it was good, but Lauren didn’t trust herself to answer the girl, as much as she wanted to.

It wasn’t until she started fiddling with the stereo, hands still trembling, that she felt Camila’s fingers interlace with hers.

“Lo, are you okay?” She asked softly, running her thumb over the top of the older girl’s hand. Lauren hated how calming it felt.

She just nodded, keeping her eyes on the road, watching the exit signs pass by her and ignoring their reflection in her favorite pair of brown eyes.

“Something’s been bothering you all night,” Camila tried again, her frown catching Lauren’s attention in her peripheral.

“I know I’m not as good at this as you are, but I can still tell when you’re not okay.”

“I’m okay,” Lauren assured her, giving her hand a squeeze, “I promise.”

“Did you have fun?”

“I always have fun with you.”

“Do you think Austin will?” Camila asked tentatively, and her words shattered the air in Lauren’s lungs. She held her breath, trying to lock in the shards tearing up her chest before they exploded – she couldn’t risk one hitting Camila. Time froze, or maybe it sped up, Lauren couldn’t really tell. But Camila was patient, letting Lauren take her time before responding.

“Can I tell you something, Camz? It doesn’t matter what you guys do. Anyone lucky enough to take you on a date is lucky to just spend time with you. You could take him anywhere. If he likes you, he’ll be happy with anything. And if he’s not, then he doesn’t deserve you. But for what it’s worth, tonight was amazing, and I think he’ll be impressed. I know I was.”

“I hope so,” Camila sighed, pulling Lauren’s hand into her lap.

“You know you can talk to me, Lo,” Camila tried again after a few minutes of silence, just as Lauren pulled off on the right exit.

“It’s really nothing. I just got into a little fight with Dinah, but it’s okay. We’ll be fine,” she told her, and it wasn’t completely a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either.

Here she was, back with the lying.

She hated how hard it was. Camila felt like honesty, and Lauren could feel her soul crumbling more and more every moment she lied to her.

“What did you guys fight about?”

“I don’t really want to talk about it right now. I had a good time tonight, I’m not ready to ruin that just yet.”

“I had a good time, too,” Camila grinned, “thanks, Lauren. For everything.”

“Anything for you,” Lauren told her, this time not bothering to hide the weight in her voice. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Camila, but she felt the grip around her hand tighten and thought that was enough for now.

It had to be.

Camila reached forward a few minutes later, turning the radio off. Lauren looked at her, head cocked to the side in confusion.

“Sing for me?”

“Did you really just turn the music off for that?” Lauren laughed, eyebrows raised.

“Uh huh. I like your voice better,” Camila batted her eyelashes, pleading.

“You’re lucky I can’t say no you,” Lauren shook her head and rolled her eyes. Camila’s smile only widened and Lauren knew she was in way too deep.

 _“All my friends tell me I should move on. I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahh. That's how you sang it_ ,” she started, the Lana lyrics flowing through her almost instinctually.

“ _Loving you forever, can't be wrong. Even though you're not here, won't move on. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahh. That's how we played it.”_ Lauren couldn’t help but notice the way the moon reflected against Camila’s features as she laid her head against the window, eyes closed and listening intently to Lauren’s voice.

“ _And there's no remedy for memory, your face is like a melody. It won't leave my head. Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine but I wish I was dead,”_ she sang, as Camila subconsciously played with her fingers.

_“Every time I close my eyes it's like a dark paradise. No one compares to you. I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side. Every time I close my eyes it's like a dark paradise. No one compares to you. I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side.”_

_“Oh-oh-oh-oh-hah-hah-hah-hah. I don't wanna wake up from this tonight. Oh-oh-oh-oh-hah-hah-hah-hah. I don't wanna wake up from this tonight,”_ she continued, struggling to keep her eyes on the road and not on the angel in the seat beside her.

“ _There's no relief,_ _I see you in my sleep_ a _nd everybody's rushing me,_ _but I can feel you touching me_ , t _here's no release. I feel you in my dreams_ t _elling me I'm fine._ ”

“ _Every time I close my eyes_ _it's like a dark paradise_. _No one compares to you_. _I'm scared that you_ w _on't be waiting on the other side. Every time I close my eyes_ , _it's like a dark paradise_. _No one compares to you_ b _ut there's no you,_ _except in my dreams tonight.”_

 _“Oh-oh-oh-oh-hah-hah-hah-hah. I don't wanna wake up from this tonight. Oh-oh-oh-oh-hah-hah-hah-hah. I don't wanna wake up from this tonight,”_ Lauren finished, just as she pulled into Camila’s driveway.

The lights in the living room were out, but her parents had left the porch light on for them.

“I love your voice. You can really sing anything,” Camila sighed as she opened the car door and followed Lauren up to the porch.

Lauren felt like there was a spotlight on them as she walked Camila to the door.

“I guess this is it,” Camila sighed, shifting on her feet nervously like she was waiting for something.

“Did it meet your expectations?” Lauren joked, attempting to keep the mood light despite the quicksand in her veins.

“And then some,” Camila admitted.

“Good,” Lauren smiled, tucking a stray hair behind Camila’s ear. Her cheeks were rosy under the fluorescent light, from the cold biting at her cheeks. She attempted to pull Lauren’s jacket from her shoulders, to give it back before she went inside, but Lauren’s hands wrapped around the younger girls at the zipper.

“Keep it. Looks better on you than it ever has on me.”

“Lauren, I can’t keep it. It’s your favorite jacket,” Camila shook her head. Lauren felt bold with the light of the moon on her back.

“I like it better on you.”

Camila’s eyes searched hers, Lauren could feel the brown orbs looking all the way through her, but as much as her heart was thrashing in warning, she couldn’t look away. There was something different in Camila’s eyes, something that made the air feel a little warmer. She didn’t know what it meant, but it made her skin buzz in the best way.

“Can I kiss you?” Camila asked suddenly, Lauren’s attention crash landing back into the moment.

“W-what?”

“That’s how you’re supposed to end a date, right? With a kiss goodnight?” She asked.

“Oh uh, y-yeah, I guess it is,” Lauren stuttered, cursing herself for the way her words broke on the tip of her tongue.

“I just want to get this right. That’s why we’re practicing, yeah?” Camila urged. Lauren felt the tears brimming on her eyelids as they came, and she pulled Camila in before the younger girl could see. She wrapped her lips around Camila’s, soft at first, cautious, worried of pushing her too far. Always worried.

Camila didn’t hesitate to respond though. She pushed back harder, her hand slipping up to the back of Lauren’s neck. Lauren tried to hold back the whimper building in her throat as she felt Camila’s fingers play with the baby hairs on the back of her neck. She didn’t want to scare her.

She took control of the kiss, carefully, bringing both hands around Camila’s back to hold her firmly. She never wanted to let go.

She felt Camila’s tongue gently brush against her bottom lip, and she almost opened her mouth in reflex before she remembered where she was. It was too much.

Instead, she pulled back slowly, letting her lips hover against Camila’s before pressing them together quickly once more. She forced herself away, unable to keep her bottom lip from trembling, and she couldn’t tell if it was from the tears she was holding in or the desire she had to swallow.

Apparently, she didn’t do as good of a job as she thought holding back her tears, though, because as soon as Camila opened her eyes, she frowned and dragged her fingers over Lauren’s cheek.

“Lo, are you crying? What’s wrong? Did I do something?”

 “No I just, I have to go,” Lauren mumbled, ignoring the way Camila called her name as she retreated back to her car, tears spilling down her cheeks.

She had 17 notifications on her phone when she finally made it back to her house, 12 of which were from Camila herself. She called her 4 times, left two voicemails, and sent six messages that Lauren didn’t have the energy to respond to.

 **_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 10:13pm:_ ** _are you okay?_

 **_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 10:17pm:_ ** _please talk to me_

 **_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 10:21pm:_ ** _Lauren_

 **_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 10:21pm:_ ** _please_

 **_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 10:25pm:_ ** _at least let me know that you’re home? please?_

 **_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 10:38pm:_ ** _I’m sorry, for whatever I did. Thanks anyway, for giving me the best first date I could have hoped for. goodnight, Lo. I hope you’re safe. I love you…_

She only had two messages from Dinah, which surprised her, but they still hurt almost more than Camila’s did.

 **_Dinah Jane | 10:41pm:_ ** _Are you okay? Mila’s freaking out on the phone right now and she keeps saying your name but won’t tell me what happened_

 **_Dinah Jane | 10:45pm:_ ** _Okay I’ve been listening to her cry for ten minutes straight. Whatever you did, woman up and fix it b._

 **_Normani | 10:43pm:_ ** _Laur what’s going on Dinah has interrupted my beauty sleep demanding I “claim my girl” before she declares war_

 **_Normani | 10:47pm:_ ** _LAUREN talk to me before I have to listen to Dinah say “Caminah vs. Laurmani” one more time I don’t even know how I got involved in whatever this is what is going on??????_

 **_Ally | 10:51pm:_ ** _Lauren, are you okay? You’ve got everyone worried. Please just let somebody know that you’re okay._

 ** _*Group Message (Camz_** ** _♡_** , **_Dinah Jane_** , **_Normani_** , **_Ally, Lauren)*_**

 **_Lauren | 10:55pm:_ ** _I’m fine, guys. I’ve just have a lot on my mind._

 **_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 10:55pm:_ ** _did I do something?_

 **_Lauren | 10:56pm:_ ** _You didn’t do anything, Camz._

 **_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 10:56pm:_ ** _promise you’re not mad at me?_

 **_Lauren | 10:56pm:_ ** _I promise. I told you I would never lie to you, didn’t I? Besides, I couldn’t be mad at you if I tried._

 **_Dinah Jane | 10:57pm:_ ** _Dammit Laur I really wanted to be mad at you for making Mila cry but that was mad cute._

 **_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 10:57pm:_ ** _she’s always cute_

 **_Normani | 10:58pm:_ ** _Yeah, to you._

 **_Dinah Jane | 10:58pm:_ ** _She’s a bitch to the rest of us._

 **_Lauren | 10:59pm:_ ** _Thanks a lot guys. Feelin the love._

 **_Ally | 11:00pm:_ ** _You know we love you Laur.  We’re all glad you’re okay._

 **_Lauren | 11:01pm:_ ** _I appreciate the concern guys, but I’m going to bed. I’m just really tired. I’ll talk to you all later._

 **_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 11:01pm:_ ** _okay goodnight Lo love youuu_

 **_Lauren | 11:02pm:_ ** _Goodnight, Camz. I love you too._

 **_Lauren | 11:02pm:_ ** _I love all of you guys._

 **_Dinah Jane | 11:03pm:_ ** _You ain’t slick bish_

 **_Ally | 11:03pm:_ ** _Let it go D._

 **_Ally | 11:04pm:_ ** _Goodnight Laur. We’ll see you soon, okay? Sweet dreams._

 **_Normani | 11:04pm:_ ** _I’m glad you’re okay and you know I love you babe but can you all shut the hell up now so I can SLEEP???_

 **_Dinah Jane | 11:04pm:_ ** _The queen has spoken goodnight guys_

Lauren plugged her phone into the charger, making her way into the bathroom to wipe off the rest of her makeup. She had mascara streaked down her cheeks and strawberry lip gloss around her mouth that definitely didn’t belong to her, and she thought it was a pretty good representation of how she felt. She finished up in the bathroom, changed into a big t shirt and a pair of shorts, and finally crawled into bed, her heart still aching and her throat still raw.

It was only a few minutes later that she heard her phone ring.

“Camz?” She answered, confused.

“Hi.”

“Hi?” Lauren checked the time: 11:38. She thought Camila would’ve fallen asleep already.

“I know you said you weren’t mad at me Lo but I can’t help but feel like I did something to upset you and I just feel like you aren’t okay and I can’t go to sleep if you’re not okay I just feel like-” Camila rambled through the phone, not even pausing to take a breath between her words until Lauren cut her off.

“ _Camila,”_ Lauren started, her voice steady. She heard the other girl fall silent.

“Don’t’ worry about me, okay? I’m fine. I’ll be fine.”

“Something doesn’t feel right, Lo.”

“What do you mean?” Lauren was hesitant to ask, afraid of what her answer would be.

“You really freaked out when I kissed you.” And there it was.

“I just had a lot on my mind,” Lauren lied through her teeth, and she couldn’t even keep her eyes open when she said it, afraid to see the words slip past her lips and into reality like a black fog, because the truth was, as soon as their lips touched, she only had one thing on her mind and it was how _wrong_ she felt.   

“Like what?” Camila asked, her tone genuinely curious. Sometimes Lauren was grateful for how oblivious Camila could be, but sometimes it only made things harder.

“That’s the second time we’ve kissed,” Lauren pointed out, trying to keep the emotion out of her voice.

“I know, Lo,” Camila laughed softly, “I didn’t forget. You’re the only person I’ve ever kissed; it would be kind of hard not to remember.”

“I just don’t understand, like, why me? Why not one of the other girls?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to kiss them.”

“But you want to kiss me?”

“What are you getting at, Lauren? You could’ve just said no if you didn’t want to kiss me again. I didn’t realize it was such a horrible experience for you. I mean, I know I don’t exactly know what I’m doing, but I didn’t realize I was bad enough to make you run away crying.”

“It wasn’t bad,” Lauren sighed, and she knew that really wasn’t the point she needed to get across, but she couldn’t handle Camila thinking her lips were anything less than perfect. Her head was pounding and she was so sick of lying, but she didn’t think she could admit it just yet.

“God, Camila, it was the opposite. It was the best kiss I’ve ever had.”

“I don’t understand what the problem is then…”

“There isn’t a problem. I told you, I just had a lot on my mind. I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? I just want to go to bed.”

“You’re funny if you think I’m going to let you go to bed upset.”

“Camz, _please._ I promise I’m fine. I’m just tired,” Lauren whined.

“Can I come over tomorrow? I want to see you,” Camila said, and it was the things like that, that hurt Lauren the most. It wouldn’t be so hard if Camila didn’t just _say thing like that,_ without realizing the effect she had.

She almost thought it would be easier if Camila hated her.

“I thought you had your date with _Austin_ tomorrow?”

“Oh yeah. I forgot.”

“Camz,” Lauren laughed, “how did you forget about the date we literally just _practiced_ for?”

“I’m forgetful,” Camila teased, “But seriously, Lo, I’ll cancel if you want to hangout. I care about you more than him. If you’re not okay I’d rather spend the day with you.”

“I’m fine, Camz. Don’t cancel your plans for me. I know you’re excited.”

“I really love you, you know that?”

“You may have said it once or twice.”

“I don’t think I say it enough. You’re the best friend ever, Lo. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Yeah, I guess you would be pretty lost without me,” Lauren joked playfully, wishing she could do it without the weight settling on her chest.

“Can you stay on the phone? Until I fall asleep?”

“I always do, don’t I?”

“Tell me a story? I like falling asleep to your voice,” Camila yawned, and Lauren felt her throat burn again.

“Once upon a time,” she started, her voice steady despite the tears soaking into her pillow.

She didn’t sleep that night, just laid in bed listening to Camila’s gentle breathing through the phone and thinking about the best date she’d ever had, even if it wasn’t supposed to be for her.


	5. Fallingforyou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We just went home is all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooo I literally have seven different drafts of this chapter. That's what took me song long. I kept writing it, not liking how it turned out, and starting over from scratch. S E V E N times. I have one version where Lauren makes out with James, one version where Camila literally rips Lauren's shirt off and Ally has to bring her a new one, a version where Camila is a slut-shaming bitch, one where Lauren and Lucy are fuckin in a club bathroom and Lauren drunk texts Camila, like oh my god I could probably do an actual series on the potential plots for this chapter alone lmao. I hope you guys enjoy this final version though! Let me know what you all think. 
> 
> Also, really fast, I would just like to thank everybody who has commented. I know I'm TERRIBLE at replying to comments, but I really appreciate the support from you guys. It means the world to me. Also, a special thank you to @Kayleetam - I always look forward to what you have to say about each chapter and it means a lot to me that you're so consistent with your feedback.
> 
> Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoy this chapter. The next will be the final chapter so let me know what you think!

The fourth time it happened somehow turned into a fifth and sixth, and then _everything_ changed _._

It started with a game.

 _The_ game – the same game of every teenage cliché – and it wasn’t until they were in the back of the Vamps tour bus that she realized why it became such a cliché in the first place.

“Truth or dare?” James asked, exchanging a knowing glance with Brad.

“Dare,” Camila answered with uncertainty.

Brad smirked at Lauren, and Lauren didn’t understand _why_ until James spoke again. 

“I dare you to make out with Lauren.”

Lauren felt her bones weigh down at that, like her body was filled with sand and her heart was pumping out gravel. Everything felt heavy and her ribs were rocks against her lungs but she couldn’t take her eyes off Camila long enough to even think about breathing. The younger girl was playing with her glass, still full of her first drink, letting her hair fall over her face like a curtain so Lauren couldn’t see her eyes – couldn’t see what she was thinking.

“Well?” James prompted, when Camila didn’t say anything. He had a smug smile across his lips that matched Brad’s, but the other boys didn’t seem to catch onto the tension building in the room. Camila looked up like she wanted to say something, but she didn’t open her mouth.

“I’ll drink,” Lauren finally answered for her, but James wasn’t having it.

“It’s her dare, not yours. If she’s not going to do it, _she_ has to drink.”

“She doesn’t _have_ to do anything,” Lauren countered, not bothering to bite back the attitude rising in her voice. She wasn’t _drunk –_ not even close – but she was buzzed enough to not care so much.

“Those are the rules,” Brad reminded her.

“And since when do you follow all the rules, _Bradley?”_

“Why do you care so much, _Lauren?”_

“Maybe because I –“

“Lauren,” Camila cut her off, “it’s fine.”

“I’m just saying, it was a shitty dare,” Lauren grumbled, earning a gentle nudge from Dinah.

 _What,_ she mouthed, shrugging, but before Dinah could reply, Camila’s voice caught her attention.

“I’ll do it.”

“Are you sure?” Lauren asked, and Camila just nodded slowly, moving closer to the middle and licking her lips nervously. 

Lauren was tempted to down her next shot before crawling into the middle of circle, but she knew Camila tasted sweeter than her honey jack and she didn’t want to drown out the memory, so she just swallowed the knot in her throat and moved forwards.

She put a hand against Camila’s cheek – her skin was so _cold_ – and she leaned in close enough that she could see the way her bottom lip was gently trembling. Her eyes were wide, pouring into Lauren’s, begging her for _something_ but the older girl couldn’t figure out _what._ She could see the hesitation swirling over like a halo, could feel the resistance in her skin.

“Hey,” she whispered, “it’s just you and me, alright?”

“Just me and you,” Camila echoed nervously, before closing the gap between them.

Her lips were soft, too soft, so soft that Lauren got swept away in the velvet and forgot all about where she was, who was watching. She was reminded, though, when she let her tongue brush against the other girl’s lips and heard a loud whistle from behind her where the boys were sitting.

Camila pulled away abruptly, her eyes wide and her cheeks pink.

“I-I’m sorry, excuse me,” she mumbled before jumping to her feet and darting outside, not even closing the door all the way behind her.

Lauren just sat there for a moment, in shock, letting the feeling of Camila’s lips on hers _again_ play over and over in her head until she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“That was so hot,” Brad laughed, pushing her teasingly. It broke her right out of her trance.

“Please,” James scoffed, “that was hardly even a kiss.”

“I gotta, um, Camila,” Lauren stuttered, coming back to her senses and rushing out the door after her best friend.

She faintly heard Dinah’s voice behind her as the door closed, saying something that sounded a lot like “camren,” but Lauren knew _that_ couldn’t have been it.

“Camz?” She said gently, padding down the steps towards the other girl – she could see her silhouette under the moonlight.

It was a full moon, Lauren noticed absentmindedly, as she made her way over to Camila. The sky was dark, almost purple. The stars were sparkling above them like little cracks in heaven and the moon was pouring over the darkness like a window into the universe. It was beautiful – almost as beautiful as the girl standing in front of her with stars of her own flashing in her eyes.

_Heaven could exist inside a person, right?_

“You okay?” Lauren asked softly. Instead of answering though, Camila just grabbed her by her hips and crashed their lips together again, pushing Lauren into the side of the tour bus and kissing her with a newfound fervor.

It took Lauren a few moments to gather herself and put the pieces of reality back together. She pushed Camila back gently, searching her eyes for an explanation.

“What are you doing?” She whispered, still holding the younger girl tightly. Lauren couldn’t bring herself to let go.

“Finishing that dare,” she mumbled, trying to lean in again but Lauren stopped her.

“You don’t have to prove anything. It’s just me out here.”

“That’s the _point,”_ Camila sighed. “It’s _just you._ I freaked out in there because they were all watching us and what if I was…bad?”

“Bad? Camila, what are you talking about?” Lauren laughed, “we’ve kissed before. Twice, actually. And it was anything but bad.”

“But we haven’t – _I_ haven’t…I mean, like, what if I used my tongue too much or drooled on you or something? In front of everybody!” She stuttered.

Lauren couldn’t help the little chuckle that slipped past her lips at that.

“ _That’s_ what you were worried about?”

“Shut up,” the younger girl grumbled, her cheeks burning bright, “I know it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid,” Lauren assured her, “it’s cute.”

 “Gee, I’m glad you find my humiliation attractive.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Lauren giggled, “I just didn’t realize that you and Austin hadn’t gone there already, I guess.”

“It hasn’t felt right. I’m scared.”

“You just have to stop thinking so much, Camz. He’s going to kiss you and it’s going to be perfect and you’re going to realize how ridiculous you’re being.” Lauren couldn’t help the edge in her voice. She was doing her best to be the supportive best friend, but it was getting harder and harder to separate Best-Friend-Lauren from Hopelessly-in-Love-Lauren.

“But what if I’m bad? What if it’s all… sloppy? Lauren, I spent, like, _an hour_ last night trying to tie a knot in a cherry stem with my tongue and all I managed to do was spit on myself.” She rambled in panic, and Lauren was suddenly dreading the day Camila decided she was ready to lose her virginity; if she was this anxious about a _kiss,_ Lauren couldn’t even imagine the inevitable pre-sex panic.

“Okay, you need to calm down. You’re starting to stress _me_ out just from being near you,” Lauren laughed, but Camila just pouted, jutting out her bottom lip. She was still close – close enough that Lauren could feel her breath on her neck. It was making it hard for her to think.

“Look, maybe you’re right, okay? Maybe you’ll bite his tongue or drool on his chin and maybe it’ll be a disaster,” she told her, and Camila’s eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

“But if he likes you half as much as I d- I think he does,” she caught herself, “he won’t care. He’ll just kiss you again and again and again until you know how loved you are.” Camila’s eyes were shining and Lauren wanted more than anything in the world to just _hold_ her forever.

“Most likely, though, you’re going to kiss him, and it’s _not_ going to be the disaster you think it will. It’s going to be the best kiss of his life just because it’s with _you –_ and he’ll just be grateful that he gets to touch an angel and taste a little bit of magic.”

Lauren really hoped Camila hadn’t suddenly learned to read between the lines.

“Even if it’s bad?”

“I promise, Camz, it won’t be.”

“You could show me,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. Her eyes were darker than Lauren remembered.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Why? Are you going to cry again?” She teased.

“I’m never going to live that down, am I?” Lauren smiled.

“Probably not,” Camila giggled, still dangerously close.

“Are you sure about this?”

“Mhm,” the younger girl hummed, chewing on her bottom lip.

“You don’t have to do this.” Lauren reminded her, but she knew before she spoke how it was going to end. Camila’s blood felt magnetic, she couldn’t have pulled away from the girl if she tried. She was already leaning in without meaning to.

“It’s okay,” Camila mumbled, “I mean, it’s just practice, right?”

And maybe it was the alcohol burning through her veins, but Lauren suddenly felt a fire under her skin like she had something to prove.

“Right,” she whispered against Camila’s lips, “just practice.”

And then they were kissing. It was somehow hard and soft, rough and gentle, fleeting and forever all at once. She didn’t waste any time before dragging her tongue across Camila’s bottom lip.

The younger girl opened her mouth eagerly, her grip on Lauren’s waist tightening as the she licked at the roof of her mouth. Camila hesitantly slipped her tongue into Lauren’s mouth, too, slowly exploring her way around. Lauren waited until her lungs were screaming before pulling away.

“You okay?” she breathed, her forehead resting against Camila’s. Camila didn’t answer though, just knotted her fingers into the fabric of Lauren’s shirt and pulled her back in to the kiss before her lungs had even calmed down. 

She was kissing her with desperation, then, pulling the older girl in until the only gaps between them were Camila’s hands grabbing at her hair and her clothes and her skin – like she was trying to pull her so close their bodies fused together.

Camila’s tongue felt like honey and she tasted like home and Lauren tried to suck the flavor right off but she knew with every touch that it would never be enough.

A soft moan spilled from Lauren’s lips as she felt Camila’s teeth pulling on her, and she didn’t know where the girl’s sudden burst of confidence came from but she was really in no position to complain about it.

Camila’s legs were tangled in her own and her back was flat against the bus and if she didn’t know any better, she would’ve thought Camila was trying to push her back inside by _melting_ open a new door.

It would definitely explain the heat.

Lauren broke their lips apart to kiss down the side of her neck, latching onto her throat and letting her teeth nip at the skin until the most beautiful sound she’d ever heard cracked the stillness in the sky, and Lauren thought it was a better glimpse of heaven than every star that had ever died. She ran her tongue over the bruising flesh and slowly kissed her way back to Camila’s parted lips, teasing at her ear lobe and pausing at her jaw until the younger girl grabbed her face with both hands and brought them together again.

Lauren was surrounded by everything _Camila –_ drowning in her, suffocating in her. Her lungs were withering in her chest but for the first time in her life she felt like she could finally _breathe._

She was so lost in the younger girl that she didn’t even notice that the door had swung open and somebody else had come outside until suddenly Camila wasn’t touching her anymore.

“What are you guys doing out here?” she heard Dinah’s voice from somewhere next to her, but none of her senses were working well enough to give her any more details than that.

“N-nothing,” Camila stuttered, “we were just about to come back inside.”

“Oookay,” Dinah drawled, before turning her attention to Lauren, “you alive over there, Lo? You look, uh, a little rough.”

“M’fine,” Lauren managed to squeak out, still staring blankly ahead of her and blinking slowly. She knew her hair was a mess and her lipstick was smeared and there was no doubt her mouth was bruised, but she hoped it was dark enough that Dinah didn’t notice just exactly how _wrecked_ she really was.

“Alright, well, the boys are setting up for karaoke, if you want to join.” And with that, she was back through the door and Lauren was alone with Camila again. But this time, there was a tension between them that had never been there before.

“Camz,” she started, her voice hoarse, but Camila cut her off before she could continue and frankly, she had no idea what she’d planned on saying anyway. Her brain was still hazy, still drunk off their kiss.

“Don’t.” Her voice was sharp, a thousand little pins that pierced straight into Lauren’s heart.

The guilt came rushing back, like the stitches over the wounds on her back had been torn open, the ghost of the angel wings between her shoulder blades reminding her of how _fucked up_ it all was – _she_ was.

She could taste blood in her throat and she didn’t know if it was guilt from kissing Camila or guilt from not regretting it.

Either way, the demons in her bones broke out into her skin and she just wanted to _scratch_ the itch on her wrists until the demons dripped red.

She was afraid to look anywhere but the stars, a desperate prayer falling from her tongue that God would reach out through the cracks in heaven and give her back her angel wings so she could fly into oblivion with Him.

But maybe they were never her wings to begin with.

She didn’t regret kissing Camila. She couldn’t ever regret that. But the guilt for _something_ was still eating at her limbs – guilt for enjoying it, maybe. A priest’s voice from her childhood echoed somewhere in the back of her mind.

“I’m sorry,” she muttered, and she wondered how much she really meant it – wondered who she was apologizing to at all.

***

**_Lern Jergi | 12:52am: Can we talk? Please?_ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 12:54am: i’m tired_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 12:54am: So am I._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 12:55am: I’m fucking exhausted Camila._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 12:55am: That’s why I need to talk to you._ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 12:57am: not right now lauren_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 12:58am: You’ve been ignoring me all night. I don’t like being like this with you. It’s weird. Just tell me what’s going on?_ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 12:59am: there’s nothing going on i’m just tired_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 12:59am: Were you tired 3 hours ago when you were singing karaoke with Dinah and wouldn’t even look at me?_ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_|1:06am: can you please just drop it_ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_|1:06am: we’re fine lo i just want to go to bed_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:07am: You said it was okay._ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:07am: i know_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:07am: You said you were sure._ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:07am: i know_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:07am: You said you wanted to._ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:07am: i know_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:08am: You can’t be mad at me. I told you it wasn’t a good idea and you still said it was okay. YOU did. I didn’t make you do anything._ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:09am: i know_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:10am: it was YOUR idea_ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_|1:10am: LAUREN i know_ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:10am: you didn’t do anything wrong. i promise. i’m not mad at you_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:11am: Then why are you ignoring me?_ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:11am: i’m mad at myself i guess_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:12am: Oh._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:12am: You regret it._ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:15am: well, don’t you?_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:16am: I regret doing anything if it hurts you, Camz. But I don’t regret sharing a beautiful moment with you._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:17am: There was a full moon above us, and so many stars. It was so different from LA, you could see the whole sky up there. It was like a painting. It reminded me of home._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:17am: And that’s the thing, Camz. We don’t have a home anymore, we’re always on the road somewhere. Home had to stop being a place and start being a feeling. And under the stars tonight, it felt like home. You felt like home. And maybe I felt like home, too. Maybe we’re just homesick teenagers who needed to go home for a few minutes in the only way we could._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:18am: I think that’s a beautiful thing to share with somebody special. Even if it’s with your best friend. I could never regret that._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:18am: We just went home is all._ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_|1:20am: how do you do that lauren?_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:20am: Do what?_ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_|1:20am: how do you always know what i’m feeling, even when i don’t? how do you always know exactly what to say?_ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_|1:21am: how do you make everything seem so incredibly simple, but make me feel so important at the same time?_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:22am: You ARE important. It has nothing to do with me. I just remind you every once in a while._ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:23am: i don’t deserve you lo. i really don’t._ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:23am: and if you knew what i was thinking right now you would hate me_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:23am: I could never hate you, no matter what. I just wish you would tell me what’s on your mind._ **

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:25am: maybe one day_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 1:25am: I’ll be here._ **

_I’ll always be here._

Lauren put her phone beside her bed, her hands shaking lightly. She meant what she said about home, but making light of what happened between them also gave her a sick feeling in her stomach and not knowing what had Camila so lost in her own head was eating away at her.

Whatever it was, happened right after they kissed, and Lauren couldn’t help but blame herself.

Camila started it, but it was innocent on her end. Lauren shouldn’t have let it happen. Not when she had other intentions, other desires. It was _wrong._

It was a lie.

And the weight of all the lies were starting to crush her.

She closed her eyes and tried to sleep, humming softly to the rhythm of whatever song was in her head. She was just finishing the second verse when her phone vibrated again.

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:37am: i love that song_ **

Lauren smiled sadly at the irony, but she still let her gentle hums turn into actual lyrics as she finished the rest of the song.

 _“According to your heart, my place is not deliberate, feeling of your arms. I don’t want to be your friend. I want to kiss your neck,”_ she sang quietly.

_“Don’t you see me? I think I’m falling, I’m falling for you. And don’t you need me? I think I’m falling, I’m falling for you. On this night, and in this light, I think I’m falling, I’m falling for you. And maybe you, change your mind.”_

**_Camz_ ** **_♡_ ** **_| 1:39am: feels like home when you sing too_ **


	6. All of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW I'M SORRY this took me forever to post. Please don't hate me; life has just gotten busy and so I've had a hard time finding the time/energy/inspiration to write. But this is the final chapter and I hope it makes you smile.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought of this fic now that it's over. I appreciate all the feedback and thanks for your time, everybody.
> 
> Enjoy~

It’d been 3 months.

Three full month of Camila and Austin smeared across the tabloids, of the summer’s “cutest couple” on the cover of every teen magazine, of “Camaustin” videos flooding every fan account on YouTube. Three months of Camila going out of her way to avoid being alone in a room with Lauren – not that a day went by without the media eating up pictures of her and Austin anyway.

Lauren didn’t understand why every date was so public, why every kiss was under a camera, but the one time she’d asked about it Camila had gotten more defensive than Lauren had ever seen her.

“ _Maybe I just like showing off my boyfriend,”_ she had spit out, venom dripping from her teeth. Even Ally noticed.

And maybe she was right; maybe she really did just want to show the world how much she loved him – even though Lauren heard her hang up the phone every night with a choked out “yeah, you too,” like it hurt to even halfway say it back.

Even though she flinched every time he kissed her and she stiffened every time he grabbed her waist and she said his name like it was a curse word. But she said she loved him, and Lauren thought she meant it.

So it’d been three full months of watching Camila’s relationship with Austin unfold, listening to Dinah mumbling about _overcompensation_ and _denial,_ crying herself to sleep at night and painting on a fake smile in the morning, when it happened.

Lauren had fantasized about Camila showing up at her door with a teary confession a dozen times in a dozen ways, but when she woke up at two in the morning to a hesitant knock on her door, she wasn’t at all _prepared_ for it.

“Camz?” She questioned, rubbing her eyes in hopes that the girl in front of her wouldn’t disappear when the stars faded.

She didn’t. She was still there in the doorway, a perfect picture of the beautiful disaster Lauren always knew she was – with her messy hair, her chapped lips and bloodshot eyes, her broken nails and crooked smile, her wrinkled shirt with the spaghetti stain on the collar. She was a wreck, but she was so _Camila_ that Lauren couldn’t help the way her breath felt sticky in her lungs, like she was choking on honey, so violent but so sweet that she didn’t even mind that she was drowning.

“I need to talk to you.”

“Oh, yeah uh, come in,” Lauren stuttered, her brain still numb with sleep despite her skin buzzing. Camila pushed right past her, exhaling deeply and running her fingers through her hair like she always did when she was nervous. Her feet burned holes in the ground before she finally spoke.

“Austin broke up with me.”

Lauren blinked, and blinked, and blinked again. Confusion slowly etched itself over her features as she watched the younger girl chew on her lip.

“What?” She’d imagined at least a hundred scenarios of Camila dumping Austin, but she’d never even fathomed the possibility that he would be the one to break things off. She couldn’t comprehend the notion of it.

“Last night,” Camila elaborated, but Lauren was still trying to wrap her head around how Austin could just let her go, how anyone could.

 “Why would he- how- I don’t- _what?”_

“It’s not important. That’s not what I came to talk to you about.”

“It just…it doesn’t make any sense. Why did he…how could he…” Lauren was aware she was rambling, she was aware of the tone in her voice, but her brain was still half asleep and she was having trouble processing the idea that somebody could be even _capable_ of giving up on Camila.

“Lauren,” the younger girl said sharply, “listen. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. There’s something else –”

“But I thought you were _so in love?”_ She knew she sounded bitter, she could hear it in her voice, taste it in her throat, but she couldn’t find the energy to care.

“Well, that’s sort of the problem,” Camila grimaced, “I am. Just not with him.”

Lauren wasn’t expecting that. Not at all.

“Okay I’m lost.”

“He said he couldn’t keep ignoring it. I guess he’s known for a while.”

Lauren tried to run a list of possibilities in her head, but the only boy besides Austin that she’d even seen anywhere near Camila in the last six months was Shawn, and Lauren was pretty sure he thought the most attractive thing about her was her boyfriend.

“So then, why were you with Austin? Why pretend you were in love with him?”

“I thought if I played the part well enough, eventually it’d be true,” she admitted quietly, looking to the ground. Lauren could understand that. She tried desperately to play the part of the best friend in hopes that one day it’d be true – that one day she’d be satisfied with just being Camila’s best friend – but every day she fell harder and harder. Even after 3 months of making small talk about the weather, she still loved her as much as she ever had.

Maybe even more.

“It doesn’t work like that,” Lauren told her sadly, “You can’t make yourself love someone you don’t, and you can’t make yourself stopping loving someone you do.”

“Keep that in mind, because I’m pretty sure I’m about to ruin our friendship.”

Lauren suddenly felt a lot less tired.

“Camila,” she started slowly, her tongue heavy in her mouth. She could barely get her throat to spit the words out. Her voice was strangled and she knew it but she urged the girl on anyway.

“It’s you. I’m in love with _you_ , Lauren.”

And that totally wasn’t the moment to forget every word in the English language – hell, in the Spanish language too – but Lauren felt her jaw go slack and lips go numb and _words_ were the last thing on her mind.

“Don’t say anything yet,” Camila blurted, “just hear me out.”

Lauren couldn’t have said anything if she wanted to. She felt paralyzed; the only movement in her body was her heart all but vibrating in her chest.

“I’m not, like, asking you for anything or expecting anything, I just, I need to get this off my chest. You know I’m a bad liar and I’ve been lying so much, it’s killing me. So I just need to be honest and then I’ll leave you alone, I promise, okay?”

“Camz, I –”

“Just let me finish this before you freak out,” Camila cut her off, “I don’t know when it happened exactly. I think it started a long time ago and it just took me a long time to realize it.”

She started pacing again before she continued and Lauren barely heard the words coming out of her mouth. She felt like she was underwater, like she was trying desperately to stay afloat while the other girl garbled nonsense under the surface. She couldn’t even remember if she was breathing.

“I’ve always felt closer to you than the other girls. I never really thought about _why,_ it just _was._ And then when you taught me how to slow dance, I remember how excited I was for prom, because if dancing with your best friend felt like _that,_ dancing with the cute boy on prom night would have to be, like, life-changing, right? But then it wasn’t.”

“Camila,” Lauren tried to catch her attention, but her voice came out in a whisper. Her heart was beating too fast and her limbs wouldn’t move, Camila’s words just burying her like quicksand. The other girl just ignored her and pressed on, without even taking a breath between her rambling.

“His hands were too rough and he wore too much cologne and I spent the whole night imaging that it was you with your arms around me. I guess I should’ve known what it meant when the first thing I thought of when I saw my prom date was what color dress you would’ve worn, but I don’t know, I’ve always been slow to catch onto things. I didn’t even really think that much about it.”

 “Camila –” Lauren tried again, her voice stronger, but the younger girl wasn’t having it.

“ _Lauren,”_ she interrupted, raising her voice, “I really need to get this off my chest, okay?”

“But –“

“It was the same way the first time you kissed me,” she pushed on, diving back into her messy confession without giving the older girl a chance to speak.

“I know it only lasted like, half a second, but I swear you took my breath away. I felt it everywhere.”

“Camila will you just –”

 “Look, I’m sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable, it’s just I don’t know who else to talk to about all this because you’re my best friend and you’re supposed to be the one I tell everything to.” She had tears in her eyes, and her voice was fragile but she was looking at Lauren with a kind of desperation that made the older girl’s chest ache.

“You aren’t, Camz, I just –“

“I didn’t know, Lo. I didn’t have anything to compare to. I just thought every kiss made you feel that way. I didn’t…I didn’t know.” Her last words were shaky, barely making it through her trembling lips, and Lauren wanted more than anything to just tell her to shut up and kiss her until she stopped shaking but the second she moved close enough to the younger girl, Camila pushed her hands against the older girl’s chest, pushing her back into the bed in a surprising shift into anger.

 “ _No,_ let me finish,” she practically growled, and Lauren was too still too stunned to do anything but listen.

“And, and, and it’s _your fault,_ you know,” she stuttered, pacing angrily across the carpet, dragging her fingers through her tangled hair like she was sorting her thoughts as they spilled out. Lauren could tell she was getting more emotional; her words were all blending together and she wasn’t even letting herself _breathe_ between her run-on sentences, like if she didn’t get all her thoughts out in one breath her lungs would just collapse and she’d never finish.

“That stupid practice date that Dinah made you go on with me, you didn’t have to act like…so _perfect._ You _knocked,_ Lauren. Why did you knock? You’ve been just walking in like you owned the place since I met you, and then you just…you _knocked?”_ Lauren didn’t understand the significance of knocking – not when there was about two dozen other details from that night that stood out to her, but Camila was always one to focus on the simple things.

“Camila, I’m trying to –“

“Let me finish, you owe me that,” she whispered, wiping her eyes and taking a deep breath.

“That was the best night of my life, Lo. I know I was supposed to be practicing for Austin, but I ended up planning the whole thing for you. I mean, God, how stupid am I? I’m so _stupid._ I should’ve known what I felt instead of dragging you into this…this _fantasy_ I didn’t even realize I had. _”_

“You aren’t stupid, Camz, I –“

“You looked so pretty when we were standing on my porch. I wanted to kiss you, and I told myself it was because that’s how you were supposed to end a date, but I was reaching and I knew it. I just _wanted to._ And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I made you do it. I mean, it was so _obvious_ you didn’t want to kiss me again, but I just, I wanted to so badly. I think a part of me was hoping that you’d kiss me again and it wouldn’t feel the way it did the first time, so I could finally answer the question in my head about what was happening to me. But it didn’t. It felt amazing and I never wanted to stop and then you pulled away crying. I thought maybe you could taste my feelings.”

 “No, I –”

“I didn’t mean to, Lo,” she cut Lauren off, her tears falling freely.

“I didn’t mean to and I don’t want to feel like this, I don’t want you to hate me but –“

“I don’t –“

“I’m sorry,” she cried, “I tried. I _swear_ I tried. I tried to justify what I was feeling but after truth or dare, I _couldn’t._ I couldn’t lie anymore. I thought maybe if I stayed away from you, it’d go away, that if I tried hard enough I could make things work with Austin, but I just…I can’t get you out of my head.”

“Camz, it’s okay, I-“

“Stop doing that! It’s your fault, Lauren! You give me this cute nickname and you call me beautiful and you sing to me and dance with me and let me keep your jacket even though it has your _name_ on it. You _knocked,_ Lauren, you knocked and you made me feel like this,” she sobbed, shaking her head. Lauren grabbed her wrists, desperate to make the other girl just _listen_ , but Camila tore her arms aware like Lauren’s hands were hot metal.

“Lauren, _stop!”_

 “No, I need you to –“

“Get off of me,” she pleaded, as Lauren roughly grabbed her shoulders. Lauren was too overwhelmed to _think_ about what she was doing. She was just _reacting._

“Just _listen to me!”_ She yelled, finally snapping, pulling the crying girl closer by her arms. She’d dreamed about Camila returning her feelings from the moment she met her, but she never thought it could turn into such a nightmare.

“Lauren, I-“ Camila started in return, her voice raised, but before she had the chance to finish, Lauren seemed to give up on the concept of words and desperately crashed their lips together.

It was brief, she pulled away as soon as she swallowed whatever words were about to leave the younger girl’s mouth.

“What are you doing?” Camila whispered against her lips, just as their contact broke.

“I love you too. More than anything. I always have.”

“What?” Camila said in shock, her eyes wide like Lauren had just told her the biggest plot twist of all time.

“I don’t know why you’re surprised. I haven’t exactly been subtle.”

“You haven’t?” She scrunched her eyebrows up in confusion.

“Well, I _knocked,_ remember?” Lauren teased, her heart melting at the way Camila’s lips folded into a wide grin. 

“You knocked,” she affirmed with a gentle laugh, before threading their fingers together.

Lauren kissed her forehead before turning to free herself from Camila’s grip, so she could get the light, but the younger girl tugged on her hand so they were facing each other once more.

“Can I kiss you again?”

 “You don’t have to ask,” Lauren smiled.

“I just can’t believe this is real,” Camila admitted, shifting on her feet. Lauren tilted her chin up, bringing both hands to cup her cheeks. She ran the pads of her thumbs over the other girl’s cheek bones as she spoke.

“I can’t believe _you’re_ real.”

And then she closed the space between them, softly wrapping her lips around Camila’s. She couldn’t help but smile into the kiss; for the first time, it didn’t feel like a lie.

She finally tasted like the truth.

Lauren tried to pull away after a few moments, the innocent kiss more than she’d ever hoped for, but the moment she disconnected their lips Camila wrapped her fist into Lauren’s pajama top and pulled her back in, kissing her harder than ever.

She could hardly keep up. Camila seemed to be everywhere. Lauren wasn’t even sure at what point they started moving, but eventually she felt the back of her knees catch against the mattress and the next thing she knew the younger girl was crawling into her lap as she fell back onto the bed.

It wasn’t until she felt Camila’s hips grinding against her own that she suddenly remembered that this was real and it was happening and when she felt a soft hand begin to tug on the hem of her t shirt she pulled back abruptly.

 “Camz, wait,” Lauren panted, pushing herself up onto her elbows. Camila sat back, her eyebrows furrowed. The older girl had to take a moment to catch her breath before speaking. She didn’t think Camila had ever looked more beautiful than she did in that moment; with her cheeks flushed and her hair tussled and her eyes more black than brown. It faded, though, when Lauren didn’t speak again right away, a flood of panic washing over her face.

“Is there…did I do something wrong?” She questioned nervously. Lauren reached up and took both of her hands within her own, quickly placing a kiss to the backside of the other girl’s palm.

“No, you’re perfect. I just, I think we should slow down a little.”

“Oh, right, yeah, of course,” she mumbled, her cheeks burning.

“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Lauren assured her, “I just think we should wait.”

“We’ve been waiting, Lo,” Camila sighed, playing with their intertwined hands, “we’ve been waiting since we met, I think. I’m tired of waiting. I just…I want you.” 

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure about anything.”

Lauren moved her hands to Camila’s hips, shuffling into a sitting position before whispering into Camila’s ear.

“I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” the younger girl sighed against her neck.

Lauren brought their lips together again eagerly, as Camila started humming into her mouth.

_"All of me, loves all of you."_

She let the brunette push her back down onto the bed, nodding with her eyes as Camila tugged her shirt over her tangled mess of dark hair. 

_"All your curves and all your edges."_

The younger girl pulled her own top over her shoulders before leaning down again, kissing Lauren's cheek gently. 

_"All your perfect imperfections."_

"Since when do  _you_ sing to  _me?"_ Lauren whispered, letting her hands dance down the exposed edges of Camila's bare body. She didn't think it was a sight she'd ever get used to. Camila didn't answer her, though, she just smiled and continued softly humming the lyrics as she kissed down the side of Lauren's neck. 

_"Give your all to me. I'll give my all to you."_

The younger girl brought their mouths together again, her hands popping the clasp of Lauren's bra surprisingly easy. She continued singing in a lazy pitch as she pulled the dark fabric over Lauren's arms, her eyes darkening in the process. It gave Lauren goosebumps. 

 _"You're my end and my beginning, e_ ven _when I lose I'm winning."_

Camila didn't bother finishing the song. 

And Lauren thought it was pretty much worth all the _practice_ it took to get there.


	7. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't reeeaaally an epilogue, but I'm gonna add it to the end here anyway because I think it's kinda funny and kinda cute so yeah. Take from it what you will.

**_Camz ♡  |8:23am: hi_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 8:23am: I’m sitting right next to you, ya dork._ **

**_Camz ♡  |8:23am: ):_ **

**_Lern Jegi | 8:24am: Fine. Hi babygirl, I love you_ **

**_Camz ♡  | 8:24am: i love you too (:_ **

**_Camz ♡  |8:25am:  i wanna kiss you_ **

**_Lern Jergi  | 8:25am: Then kiss me?_ **

**_Camz ♡  | 8:25am: but...everyone is here_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 8:26am: So?_ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:26am: wait_ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:26am: you wouldn’t be mad?_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 8:27am: Why would I?_ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:28am: because then they would know..._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 8:28am: ?_ **

**__Camz ♡ | 8:28am:_...about us _ **

**_Lern Jergi | 8:29am: You aren’t my dirty little secret, babe. I wanna show you off and kiss you in public and I want them to know you’re all mine._ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:29am: who are you and what have you done with my lern_ **

**_Lern Jergi | 8:30am: I think it’s more what YOU’VE done to me._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 8:30am: I used to be cool, you know. And now I just want to buy you flowers and make you breakfast and tell our friends how cute you look right now._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 8:30am: The worst part is that I don’t even care. Seeing that smile on your face while you’re reading these messages makes it worth all the cool points I’m losing._ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:31am: you’ve never had cool points._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 8:31am: When it comes to you, no, I never have._ **

**_Lern Jergi | 8:32am: I love knowing I’m the reason you’re smiling like that._ **

 

**_*Incoming group message*_ **

 

**_Dinah Jane | 8:33am: Mila you better kiss your girl before I do_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:33am: That shit is mad cute._ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:33am: Who knew our resident badass was actually a puppy_ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:34am: whAT_ **

**_Lauren | 8:34am: I second her “whAT” and follow up with a HOW????_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:35am: If ya’ll weren’t so far up each other’s asses you might’ve noticed me reading over your shoulder this whole time_ **

**_Lauren | 8:35am: Mind your own business DJ_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:36am: Oh come on Ralph you know I’m not capable of doing that_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:36am: Besides, you two are my business. You don’t know how much time and effort I put into this_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:36am: Camren took a lot of work on my part so don’t be selfish and just kiss for me already_ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:37am: you’re... so...._ **

**_Lauren | 8:37am: ...weird_ **

 

**_*Dinah Jane added Ally, Mani to group message*_ **

 

**_*Dinah Jane changed group name to Camren is Real*_ **

 

**_Dinah Jane | 8:39am: I have a very important announcement to make_ **

**_Lauren | 8:39am: It isn’t really your place to announce it, DJ_ **

**_Mani | 8:40am: Why are we texting when we’re all in the same room_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:40am: Because I have an ANNOUNCEMENT_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:40am: PAY ATTENTION_ **

**_Lauren | 8:40am: Camz and I are dating_ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:40am: Surprise!!_ **

**_Ally | 8:41am: No offense Mila, but that was kind of the least surprising surprise ever_ **

**_Mani | 8:41am: I gotta agree with Ally on this one babe_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:42am:  I cannot believe you did that to me_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:42am: I’ve waited my whole life for this moment and you just_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:42am: You took it right out from under me_ **

**_Mani | 8:43am: Why are you so weird?_ **

**_Lauren | 8:44am: Stop being such a drama queen DJ_ **

**_Mani | 8:44am: I think she’s more invested in your relationship than you are_ **

**_Lauren | 8:44am: Nobody is more invested than I am, trust me._ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:45am: I fucking love you_ **

**_Lauren | 8:45am: Does that mean I’m gonna get that kiss now?_ **

**_Ally | 8:45am: I think that’s our cue to leave_ **

**_Mani | 8:45am: We’ll see you two after breakfast_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:46am: I’m not going anywhere_ **

**_Mani | 8:46am: DINAH_ **

**_Mani | 8:46am: You cannot stay and watch two of your bestfriends making out_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:46am: Sure I can.  Watch me._ **

**_Ally | 8:46am: Jesus Christ_ **

**_Mani | 8:47am: ALLY_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:47am: ALLY_ **

**_Lauren | 8:47am: ALLY_ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:47am: ALLY_ **

**_Lauren | 8:48am: Dinah you broke Ally_ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:48am: can you just leave so I can kiss my girlfriend already_ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:48am: actually you know what I don’t even care who’s watching_ **

**_Camz ♡ | 8:48am: fuck it_ **

**_Lauren | 8:49am: That’s my girl (;_ **

**_Mani | 8:51am: This is strangely...satisfying_ **

**_Ally | I 8:51am: I should feel wrong for watching this_ **

**_Ally | 8:51am: But I just...don’t._ **

**_Mani | 8:52am: Dinah, are you CRYING?_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:52am: I’ve never been this happy_ **

**_Dinah Jane | 8:52am: All my dreams are coming true_ **

**_Lauren | 8:53am: Mine too, DJ, mine too._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, for anyone reading this, I started writing Gold Dust Woman again, and I'm about halfway done with the next chapter so keep an eye out because that'll be up soon! Also, check out my new fic, Pale Fire, if you haven't already. Thanks for reading everybody and I hope this made you smile a little or something.


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